(I wrote this a couple of weeks ago but have been to chicken to post it…ummm obviously I still haven’t learned this lesson…)
I know the Lord is working on me daily, but some things are more obvious and yet harder to figure out all at the same time. Pride is one of those things for me.
I guess you could say I have always struggled with pride, even though I don’t think I am a prideful person. I have been successful, people like me, I bought my own houses, and then I married a great man and have a beautiful baby. I did all that….see the problem there…well, as I grow in the Lord, He is stripping me daily of me and I am realizing I think more highly of myself than I have ever realized.
I know that if I am to become who the Lord wants me to be, I must daily surrender my pride and become more humble. I must admit that I shop at Aldi (and like it). I must learn to ask for and accept help. I must learn that I can’t do anything on my own. I must admit that, no, I can’t really afford that. I must admit that my house isn’t always clean. I must admit that I still struggle with comparison and I still want you to think I have it all together….and I must learn to admit that most of the time, I don’t.
That is sobering for me. At the root of it all, I have always had it all together…or so you would think. But, I don’t and it’s ok for me to admit it. I have to admit that your opinion of me is really important – at times, more important than who Jesus has called me to be. I must admit that it is vitally important for you to like me, think I have everything together, and think I have more money in my wallet than I do.
I really struggle with the “American dream” taking over my dream. My success, money, house, clothes, purses and shoes have all too often defined me (to myself more than anybody else). I have been blessed because I have all these things. You should like me, heck, even admire me, because of this. Wow – that is not Christ like at all, and I just wrote it down… but this is truly a struggle for me. By bringing it into the light, admitting it, maybe, just maybe I give some of that power back to the Lord.
Tom and I have chosen the life we have, the lifestyle we have, and even to a degree, the amount of money we have. I get to spend every day raising our beautiful baby and forming and directing her in the direction of the Lord. I am so amazingly grateful for that. When I start to think about money, I remind myself that I get a blessing many women don’t get – I get to be with my baby, I get to fix dinner every night for our family, I get to be the domestic goddess 🙂 I have always desired to be and that I truly believe God made me to be. And, just like everything else we desire, there is a cost.
Now, I will still clean my house frantically if you are coming over. I will still have my makeup and jewelry on. I will still smile and tell you how wonderful I am. But, I will promise that there will be a time when I will also say, I’m not ok, I don’t have it all together, Sarah didn’t sleep last night, I am wondering how we are going to pay for new tires for the 4-Runner, I wish I had a maid….But the beauty in it all is that I know that who God has me designed to be is this broken, not-perfect, and hopefully more humble person and that, my friends, is worth it all!